One of the kittens wasn’t eating last night. He looked sick and he wouldn’t move much. He kept following me around whenever I was 7 feet or so away from him. It just hurt me so bad to see him like that. I stayed with him until dark until he went inside this little kitty box my dad made for him.

He died today. He was barely alive in the morning and it just broke my heart. I haven’t cried that hard since three months ago. I never experienced the loss of someone/something that was very close to me. I know a lot of people usually say “well death happens” and I used to think the same way mainly because I never experienced the pain of death. It’s very different when you experience it first hand. I just don’t know how to cope with it.

I love animals. I loved them ever since I was a little girl even though most of my family either hates them/are very neutral about them. The cats also came into my life during a period where I was heartbroken and semi-depressed so I’ve become emotionally attatched to them. Some people might say “oh, it was just a cat”, but it’s different when you’re attatched to that cat. Sure, there are still two kittens left, but it won’t be the same without Sydney.

Thinking back, he was always the smaller/skinner one compared to the other two kittens. My dad said he never ate much so he probably didn’t develop a good immune system. My mom said it’s how nature is. Sydney was weak so it’s only natural that he died. I just can’t find the right words to describe all the emotions I’m feeling right now. I understand that he’s dead, but I just feel so heartbroken.

R.I.P. Sydney 6/21/08

-Winnie

I’m feeling a lot better now. I’m still crushed, but I’m a lot better.

I’m still not ready to face a lot of things so I’ll just avoid them for now. I can’t avoid things forever, but I’m not ready yet. I’m still confused as to what to do, but I hope everything will turn out okay. Again, I think avoiding those things is the best option…at least for now.

I need to take a break from a lot of things right now. I’m going through that phase in life where you basically think there’s no hope. I’m depressed and I really need a break from certain things at the moment. Life was going so well until all this shit happened. What a gigantic shame.

Thank you Jenny and Julie-Ann for being there for me when I needed you guys the most. You guys supported me and everything. No words can explain how much both of you mean to me. I love you guys so much.

-Winnie

It’s 3 in the morning right now-almost 4. I just woke up from my “nap.” Awesome!

I still feel like shit. Awesome. It’s lasting a lot longer than I expected. I even feel worse now. Great, great.

So…I’m writing in this blog at 3 in the morning, listening to Rilo Kiley and just being a depressed emo kid. At least Rilo Kiley is somewhat cheering me up with their happy/neutral tunes. The lyrics are kind of depressing though. Oh well. I love you Rilo Kiley for cheering me up when I’m down. Thank you.

Now, I’m just rambling random junk. I guess I’ll just go back to sleep.

-Winnie

I feel so bad.

I want to tell you how sorry I am for wasting all your money, energy and time. This is my fault and I hate admitting it. I don’t put any effort into what I do and this is the outcome of it all. I feel like a shitty person and I have no one to blame but myself. I guess I just fail at life.

-Winnie 

Pretty shitty day today.

I’m just glad I have Rilo Kiley to listen to on bad days like this.

-Winnie

GREAT DAY!

-Winnie

I’m scared shitless!

-Winnie 

Past AIM convos

It’s getting kind of late and I should be sleeping, but I stayed up for the past hour reading AIM conversations from my freshman year and Brightwood days. Those conversations are old. I think they date back from 2-3 years ago.

They were interesting and funny. It just reminded me of how carefree we were back then. We watched as some of us cussed at each other for the stupidest reasons, tell secrets, etc. There wasn’t any drama involved or anything. Just kids being kids. Just rereading the conversations I had with friends who have somewhat distanced away.

I miss those days when we had such a strong bond. It’s funny how people gradually stop talking to each other as time goes by. In some cases, things change and the only thing that’s left is little fragments of your friends. I’m just glad I still have a few friends who I’m still close with.

Those past conversations just reminded me of Brightwood days and 8th grade graduation. A bit silly, I know. I just feel nostalgic when I read them. I should go to bed now or I’ll have a hard time waking up tomorrow.

-Winnie

Stay by Lillix

I’m unlisted, I’m resisiting, all the lies the minds are twisted
Can’t believe in honesty, please don’t turn your back on me
I am breaking, molding, making. All these thoughts are over taking.
Everything I want to see, hoping you will stay with me.

I… am weakening. I… am weakening. Stay.

Am I folding? No, I’m holding on to what the signs are showing
Everything that’s meant to be doesn’t come so easily.

I… am weakening. Yeah, I… am weakening

If I was gonna lose you, so what I’m gonna lose you
Either way, either way.
But my heart didn’t choose to, so what I’m gonna lose you, yeah.
Either way. Either way, stay.

You got it, you got it all…
And you got it, and you got it all…

Oh… why am I weakening?

If I was gonna lose you, so what I’m gonna lose you
Either way. Either way.
But my heart didn’t choose to, so what I’m gonna lose you
Either way. Either way, stay…

Oh… stay. Stay… Stay…

I know I’ve been posting lyrics a lot lately, but there’s nothing to talk about and I think a lot of these songs describe how I’m feeling. I’ll actually write a post tomorrow though.

-Winnie 

Inda

I’m feeling better after listening to Ken Oak Band non-stop yesterday. The day didn’t start off so great, but it got better toward the end. I have a lot of mixed emotions right now, but in a good way. I don’t really think I can describe how I’m feeling at the moment.

Inda by Ken Oak Band

She’s come full circle
I’m here at square one
She can do what she wants
I’m trying to do what she’s done
So now it seems that I’m ready
For you, so have we begun?

The universe is full of
Reflections but you have eyes
That can see in another dimension
All the things that I’ve tried to hide
All my thoughts are just useful thinking
You found time to think of me
I guess it’s true what they say in this lifetime
You just might find the thing that you need

You say that we’re moving forward
Faster than we really know
Your laughter slowly takes over
Your confidence I’ll never know

The universe is full of
Reflections but you have eyes
That can see in another dimension
All the things that I’ve tried to hide
All my thoughts are just useful thinking
You found time to think of me
I guess it’s true what they say in this lifetime
You just might find the thing that you need

Songs can put your feelings into words.

-Winnie