I guess I’ve been super bored lately or maybe it’s because I keep listening to nostalgic/depressing songs, but I’ve been having weird, uncomfortable thoughts. I’ve been wondering why things just can’t stay permanent. A lot of things are just temporary and I guess I don’t really like that. Even if something bad were to stay with me forever, I’ll learn how to live with it. I’ve realized I don’t like this on and off feeling I’ve been experiencing for some time now. I’m bad at coping with changes (death, loss, you get the picture).

It’s a bit ironic how I dislike change so much and yet I’ve noticed how I, myself have been changing. I don’t know how to explain it, but I just don’t care about the things I used to care about anymore. When some people come up to me and talk to me about their problem (most of them have impossible solutions), I just secretly want to tell them to just deal with the problem. All in all, I’ve just been getting angry at people for whining/complaining to me only when they need me and I really don’t care what they have to say when they message me on AIM or anything. Maybe this is partly due to the fact that I just want to be happy without ANY dramatic interruptions. When I try to listen to someone talk about their problems, they don’t seem to want to listen to me talk about mine. Very annoying, irritating, (just come up with all the enraged adjectives you can use to explain this situation). Well, I guess I don’t mind that much. I’ve developed a habit for not talking out my problems to other people anyway. I just dislike self-centered people (I’m guessing most of us do). Okay, I’m done ranting.

So…I have a high frequency SAT quiz tomorrow on quite a few words. My verbal teacher decided to not tell us and I just found out from my reading comprehension teacher today. Yeah, I love you too ACI. Thankfully, I know more than half the words so I guess that counts for something? Well, July 4th on Friday so I get a three day weekend. Sweet!

-Winnie

Boring days

Alright, finals are over! Less stress. Hooray.

I have been so bored with life lately. I mean, I have seriously never been this tired and bored with my days. I don’t know what’s happening. Finals are over and everything so you would think it’s time to relax and enjoy life again, but I have just been so tired these days. I feel like there’s nothing to look forward to anymore.

I feel like I just go to school for the heck of it now. I don’t even feel like paying attention or learning. Before, I had something to look forward to and classes were at least a little fun, but it’s just so repetitive now. My friends feel the same way too so we just do the same thing everyday. It gets a little boring after a while. It’s not really like I feel like there’s something missing in my life. I already have a lot of the things I’ve asked for. The days still go by fast, but they’re just so tiresome and repetitive. It gets sickening.

Not only are the days boring, but I get tired from waiting everyday. I wait everyday for something fun to happen and for him to come, but nothing happens. I just feel hopeless sometimes. Before, I would have at least a little hope and think to myself “well, he’ll come tomorrow. I’m sure of it.” Now, it’s just like “well, he’s probably not going to come today or tomorrow or anytime soon. Stop hoping, dumbarse.” Waiting after school doesn’t really work everytime either, because I guess he goes home early. Well, at least I hung out with him for three minutes yesterday. Better than nothing. Ugh. I just hate having negative thoughts, but my disgusting little voice in my head is just brainwashing me with negative things everyday. I wonder if it’s going to be like this from now on.

Another thing-I have been been so frustrated with people lately. Just people in general. I don’t understand why we can’t just accept other people for who they are, instead of the little things that don’t even matter that much. Yeah, you’ve probably heard that a thousand times now and I did too, but I never really cared until now. What frustrates me more is that I actually know people who are like this. As in, they’re my friends. I just get so disgusted and angry at how close minded people can be. I mean who the hell cares if someone is gay or lesbian or bi. They’re still people, goddammit. I always hear people say “well, o-mi-gosh, gay people are like so scary.” Well, they’re part of this world too so deal with it. Your hatred and fear of them are one of the reasons why some people are afraid to admit they’re gay. If you were more open minded and accepting, people won’t have to worry about hiding things like this. Just because they’re different from you, you hate and fear them. Well, guess what? A lot of the gays I know are actually better people than you’ll ever be. They understand they’re different and aren’t accepted by everyone, but they’re still nice and accept people for WHO THEY ARE. You don’t even know them, yet you judge them based on little things like this. Like I said before, they’re still a part of the world we live in. God. Fuck it.

Argh. I am just so disappointed, frustrated, angry, and tired. I’m going to stop writing now. I’ll write more tomorrow, hopefully.

-Winnie