I guess I’ve been super bored lately or maybe it’s because I keep listening to nostalgic/depressing songs, but I’ve been having weird, uncomfortable thoughts. I’ve been wondering why things just can’t stay permanent. A lot of things are just temporary and I guess I don’t really like that. Even if something bad were to stay with me forever, I’ll learn how to live with it. I’ve realized I don’t like this on and off feeling I’ve been experiencing for some time now. I’m bad at coping with changes (death, loss, you get the picture).

It’s a bit ironic how I dislike change so much and yet I’ve noticed how I, myself have been changing. I don’t know how to explain it, but I just don’t care about the things I used to care about anymore. When some people come up to me and talk to me about their problem (most of them have impossible solutions), I just secretly want to tell them to just deal with the problem. All in all, I’ve just been getting angry at people for whining/complaining to me only when they need me and I really don’t care what they have to say when they message me on AIM or anything. Maybe this is partly due to the fact that I just want to be happy without ANY dramatic interruptions. When I try to listen to someone talk about their problems, they don’t seem to want to listen to me talk about mine. Very annoying, irritating, (just come up with all the enraged adjectives you can use to explain this situation). Well, I guess I don’t mind that much. I’ve developed a habit for not talking out my problems to other people anyway. I just dislike self-centered people (I’m guessing most of us do). Okay, I’m done ranting.

So…I have a high frequency SAT quiz tomorrow on quite a few words. My verbal teacher decided to not tell us and I just found out from my reading comprehension teacher today. Yeah, I love you too ACI. Thankfully, I know more than half the words so I guess that counts for something? Well, July 4th on Friday so I get a three day weekend. Sweet!

-Winnie

Wow, it’s almost been a month since I’ve written in this thing! I’ve been so busy with AP studying, homework, anime, and Photoshop that I just run out of time to actually post up journal entries. Ahahah.

Well, first thing’s first. The inner weeaboo in me has once again awakened and I’m watching anime nonstop like crazy now. I’ve actually stopped watching it since the summer of 8th grade which was about 2 years ago, but I recently got into it again. I love Katekyo Hitman Reborn! I went insane and watched like 80 episodes within two weeks so now I have to wait a whole week just to watch a subbed episode.

My friend recently got me into manga coloring lately too. I must agree with him-it’s like a drug. I really enjoy coloring my favorite manga scans even though I suck at shading. We even made a DeviantArt account and posted some of our finished works. After the AP test, I’m going to color like crazy. Photoshop is so wonderful. Awesome!

Okay, finally…my AP test is tomorrow! Wish me luck! :X I get to skip math tomorrow but my teacher’s making me stay after school to take my chapter 11 test. Evil. Pure evil. I can’t even color manga tonight which makes me so angry/blue. A mixture, I guess. Ahahaha. Well, I guess I’ll look at the bright side. My world history teacher is throwing us an ice cream party tomorrow, I get to skip 4 periods, and I probably won’t get much homework so that means more time for coloring manga! Ahaha, I am seriously addicted.

I’m in love with the Katekyo Hitman Reborn 3rd ending. It’s called Echo Again by Splay. Unfortunately, I can only find the translation for the TV size, but I guess it’s better than nothing. I love this song, especially the lyrics. They’re just very nostalgic and heartbreaking.

Echo Again by Splay

The moon Shines through my window
from between the tall sky scrapers
I tried reciting out loud
The letter you sent me from so far away
When I close my eyes, I can see you
For an instant you say goodbye
Enduring the long nights, I long to see you more
Wanting to touch you more….
You’re the only one who can erase
the darkness inside me
All i can tell you I’m sure
I dont want to miss you anymore
The more I long for you, the more it echoes again

-Winnie

I’m sorry about what happened. Lala~

I’m afraid to tell you this, but you are not the one. When I fall in love someone, I want it to grow like grass. She will understand me and I will love her more than anything. Lala~

I am sorry. I hope we can still talk and be friends after this. Lala~

The dream was really pretty actually. It was bright and sunny with butterflies, but the letter ruined it. Good thing I woke up.

Pretty good day today. I didn’t do much during my classes for some reason so it was pretty cool. I don’t have too much homework today either. Nice!

Lunch was pretty awesome too. I ran away with Armando from Peter after he threatened to kill Armando. I was really jumpy too for some reason.

After school was fun too. I played hide-and-seek and ran around the whole school. Awesome day.

-Winnie

I just went back to school yesterday. Eck. I could do with another week.

I have a test everyday in Chemistry starting next week. I am so excited. Today was an okay day. It was pretty easy actually. I didn’t do much in my classes and finished my homework pretty early today! Woot! My internet was messed up again though so I couldn’t go online until 8. Poo.

I had a disturbingly, neutral dream today about a letter. I still remember what it said and it’s been kind of haunting me all day. Well, I woke up around 4:30 A.M. or so from the dream and what better way to deal with a bad dream than listening to your iPod, hmm? I listened to some happy songs for about five minutes and went back to sleep. It was the weirdest feeling.

My mouse has been acting kind of weird lately. I think I might need to get a new one. It’s getting sort of hard to maneuver and I’m too lazy to solve the problem. It’s an old mouse anyways.

This is actually the first time in a while that I’ve actually written a normal, non-depressing post, huh? I like this feeling of half-happiness, and half-neutralness.

-Winnie

I’m feeling a lot better now. I’m still crushed, but I’m a lot better.

I’m still not ready to face a lot of things so I’ll just avoid them for now. I can’t avoid things forever, but I’m not ready yet. I’m still confused as to what to do, but I hope everything will turn out okay. Again, I think avoiding those things is the best option…at least for now.

I need to take a break from a lot of things right now. I’m going through that phase in life where you basically think there’s no hope. I’m depressed and I really need a break from certain things at the moment. Life was going so well until all this shit happened. What a gigantic shame.

Thank you Jenny and Julie-Ann for being there for me when I needed you guys the most. You guys supported me and everything. No words can explain how much both of you mean to me. I love you guys so much.

-Winnie

It’s 3 in the morning right now-almost 4. I just woke up from my “nap.” Awesome!

I still feel like shit. Awesome. It’s lasting a lot longer than I expected. I even feel worse now. Great, great.

So…I’m writing in this blog at 3 in the morning, listening to Rilo Kiley and just being a depressed emo kid. At least Rilo Kiley is somewhat cheering me up with their happy/neutral tunes. The lyrics are kind of depressing though. Oh well. I love you Rilo Kiley for cheering me up when I’m down. Thank you.

Now, I’m just rambling random junk. I guess I’ll just go back to sleep.

-Winnie

I feel so bad.

I want to tell you how sorry I am for wasting all your money, energy and time. This is my fault and I hate admitting it. I don’t put any effort into what I do and this is the outcome of it all. I feel like a shitty person and I have no one to blame but myself. I guess I just fail at life.

-Winnie 

Pretty shitty day today.

I’m just glad I have Rilo Kiley to listen to on bad days like this.

-Winnie

Past AIM convos

It’s getting kind of late and I should be sleeping, but I stayed up for the past hour reading AIM conversations from my freshman year and Brightwood days. Those conversations are old. I think they date back from 2-3 years ago.

They were interesting and funny. It just reminded me of how carefree we were back then. We watched as some of us cussed at each other for the stupidest reasons, tell secrets, etc. There wasn’t any drama involved or anything. Just kids being kids. Just rereading the conversations I had with friends who have somewhat distanced away.

I miss those days when we had such a strong bond. It’s funny how people gradually stop talking to each other as time goes by. In some cases, things change and the only thing that’s left is little fragments of your friends. I’m just glad I still have a few friends who I’m still close with.

Those past conversations just reminded me of Brightwood days and 8th grade graduation. A bit silly, I know. I just feel nostalgic when I read them. I should go to bed now or I’ll have a hard time waking up tomorrow.

-Winnie

If you only knew

I have been in a not-so-good mood lately. I’m not depressed, but I’m just troubled with my problems. I’ve been developing bad habits and not telling my friends what’s going on like I usually do. I’m just keeping everything bottled up and it’s been bothering me a lot.

I’ve been finding it hard to tell my friends about my problems. Many of them are having problems of their own and I don’t want them to listen to my petty complaints about life and all that. A lot of the things that have been going on lately are also my fault and talking about them just makes me relive the guilt. I know that I’m wrong, but just vaguely talking about my issues just makes me feel worse. I feel that some people are getting tired of me and I know that I’m the one at fault. I just relive everything when I think about my problems and I’m just reminded of how I’ve brought all this to myself.

Keeping everything inside has just gotten me angry, frustrated, and upset and I keep all this rage inside. In my mind, I’ve been pointing fingers and getting angry at other people, but the one who I’m truly angry with is myself. I’m the cause of a lot of the things that have been bothering me lately and I just hate thinking about them. I try doing other things as a temporary relief and they work, but only for a limited amount of time. I don’t really care if I get these feelings out. I don’t even care if I get advice from other people. I just want everything to be back to normal.

-Winnie